Yes, I will see him again…but not here.  Yes, I am grateful he is with his Savior, but I have empty arms here.  I know I will never understand God’s plans, but what about the plans we had, Grant had.  Yes, I know all things work together for good, that this will be used to work a grand goodness.  But we may not see that this side of Heaven, we may not see that here. We have heard a thousand times since Grant went to Heaven, “Praise God he is alive with Christ and you will see him again.” And I do praise God for that, everyday!!! Grieving without that, would truly be unbearable. It would be grieving without hope.

I am truly not trying to be irreverent, Lord.  Jesus, you ask me to believe that death is not the end of life. And I do believe that, with all of my heart, soul, and mind, You know I do!  But death is the end of a life here! No more late night talks, no more surprise phone calls, no first loves, no wedding, no job promotions, no babies with Grant’s bright smile and soft brown eyes. There is an end with death. An end to life here, as we know it. Our normal, must become a new normal. Something we don’t recognize, something we never wanted. Death is indeed a thief. It does not have the final word, but it does rob us, indeed!

I believe, no, I know, Grant would not leave Heaven and come back to Earth, so he could have a ‘fulfilling life’ here, before going to his Heavenly home. I know in my heart what he has now for outweighs anything earth has to offer. I am confident he doesn’t miss the things he could have had here, or feel regret for not experiencing them. I know that in my heart.

But I have days that there is a disconnect between my head and my heart. The 12 inches from head to heart feels a mile apart. Days when I am tempted to feel bitterness about my lot, or tempted to be angry at God. Days when someone says, “at least you will be reunited in Heaven” and it feels like a thin silver lining to a massive black cloud. A consolation prize.

Why couldn’t we have had a full, long, rich life with Grant and then all meet up in Heaven? Why did it have to be this way? Why are we all left here trying to figure out the new normal living around the gap? The “why” list seems endless with a life of its own that seems to grow over time.

I don’t know the answers to these questions.  I probably never will this side of Heaven. And when I get there, it probably won’t even matter enough to ask. But I have to get there, to Heaven. And some days, Heaven just feels so far away. I have to live each day I have left here, without Grant, and with constant reminders of what could have been.

But I can rest, even without the answers, because I know the God who has the answers. Look to Him, Alisa. I can have peace, when I fix my eyes on the prize that’s coming. Lord, make what lies ahead so clear and so glorious that it heals and comforts this weary heart, and protects me from anger, distrust, and unbelief. Help me to be so grateful and consumed with those things, that it leaves no room for bitterness about the things that death stole from us here. Help me to press on toward the goal, the prize of the upward call…this is what will silence the “why” questions! Help me to lay down the “could have beens” that now lie behind, and rest today in what lies ahead.  I don’t know “why,” and probably never will. But I know You, and You know why, and that is truly what I need to know.

Philippians 3:13-14 …But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.