Two weeks ago yesterday our family was forced to live through our last “1st.” It was the 1st year anniversary of Grant’s death. Here it is 2 weeks later and I am still trying to come out of the fog. 1 year behind us. Now what?
Most of the books I have read say the 2nd year is as painful as the first, but for different reasons. The shock has worn off, everyone else’s lives have returned to normal (long ago) and yet, you’re still left with the pain, the questions, the anger, the longing. I pray year 2 is not as hard as year 1, not sure my weary heart and soul can take it. Lord give me strength…help me to redeem the pain and turn it into something beautiful.
As I sit here tonight and write I can’t help but think back on this last year. Truth be told, it consumes my mind and is almost always running in the background. So was it just pain? Did I learn anything? Yes, I did.
Some things I have learned this year…the short list.
When life doesn’t make sense, when everything in the world seems broken, I must hold onto the promises of God. There are over 6000 of them!
If I want to know how much God loves me, loves Grant, I must look to Jesus hanging on the cross.
What should we do when hope let’s us down, when hopes are dashed, when life doesn’t turn out the way we thought it would. I’ve learned we can curse God, we can call him out, call him a liar, believe Him to be a fake and a phony. Or we can take the blame ourselves and Give God a way out.
But what I know of God prevents me from believing any of those things, doing any of those things. So what I am left with is mystery. All that I know of God and all that I don’t know of God must live together in my heart and soul. I have learned I must make room for both, I must be comfortable with the mystery of God, the mystery of His ways.
I have learned I must rebuild hope. I can’t live without hope. I will wither and die. And I have learned I can hope because I know this isn’t the end of the story.
And I have learned, Hope and true joy, doesn’t come from thinking about happy moments on earth, but Holy moments in Heaven.