I know God is real and near to me. More now than ever before. What proof can I offer?
I have cried out out in unimaginable pain. I have yelled at God, and screamed out my why questions. I have wanted to hate Him, and denounce my faith. I have charged Him with cruelty and demanded the happy carefree life, I imagine I deserve. Sometimes, because of what has happened, I have felt bitterness and hurt to the point that I don’t even want to talk to God. But then as quick as I have those thoughts I think, “Well, where does that leave you, Alisa? On your own…with no resources, no truth to dispel your despair. Where else would you turn? Where else would you go? If not to God, who else? Where else?”
That is why God is more real to me today than He was 3 months ago. When I have tried to push away, He has pulled me in. I turn to Him for comfort, and I am immediately comforted. I cry out for peace, and it washes over me. I am angry, furious He did not behave as I imagined a loving God should. And yet, I feel his love. There’s no denying it. How? How is that possible? Because He is real, God is real. I have never been more sure of anything in my life!
Losing Grant, has proven to me, that there is no comfort to be found apart from God. There are distractions, temporary fixes. But no lasting, deep, satisfying, sustainable comfort. Knowing that God is near will not bring understanding about this tragedy, but it is vitally important, precisely because I will not always understand life. Rest will never be found in having my own way or in figuring it all out. True rest will only be found as I am willing to believe that God is good, He is near, and relishing in His nearness. Healing doesn’t come from the explained, understanding, comprehension. Only the truth of God’s word and the touch of His healing presence can bring the kind of comfort I crave. His promises of purpose in the life I have left here and the perfection in the life to come in eternity, offer me any kind of real hope to cling to. Yes, God is real. I have never been more sure of anything in my life!
My salvation has been proven to me thru this Suffering. God has sustained my faith when I wanted to throw it out. I know that my religion is not just profession, but relationship with the God Most High. I have found comfort in the doctrines I have built my life on, which proves their truth. I have stood on the border of my son’s grave and yet still believe the gospel with heart, soul, and mind. There is no guess work here, in the valley, my faith is assured. Experimental knowledge is the best and surest test. Yes, God is real. I have never been more sure of anything in my life!
God has given me strength in the moments I have been the weakest of my life. There has been more comfort in my desperation, than there ever was in my merriness. He has revealed Himself more, here in the dark, than I was ever able to see in the bright sunny days. None of this removes the pain, but amidst the suffering there are moments of peace and joy because all doubt is gone that I am a daughter of the King. Yes, I know God is real! I have never been more sure of anything in my life.
grieving with hope 
Great post, Alisa. I hope you found the book The Cry of the Soul a ‘word spoken in season’ for where you are in your faith journey…
Such an AMAZING book, Mark. I can’t put it down and it is riddled with high lights and notes every where already. Thank you, thank you for sending it!
Alisa is this book by Dan B Allender? I want to get t and read it. I’ll write later as I have some thoughts on the last two days. Excellent by the way! Love you!
Yes, Judi, that’s the one. It is so good! I look forward to your thoughts 🙂
Alisa, I am filled with unspeakable hope knowing that our Farher reveals Himself in the midst of unimaginable pain. Your faith gives me faith. I am grateful that you can still SEE!
Jennifer, Thank you for your encouragement. I can honestly say, it’s all the Lord. He reveals, He causes me to see…most days I want to just curl up into a little ball in the corner. It is only His grace that sustains me. Hugs
Dear Alisa.
I am still reading and following and learning more about the graciousness of our heavenly Father as you pen your pain along with the reminders of God’s love and compassion … promises of His justice and salvation. God is so gracious to infuse His comfort and grace in those weak moments.
Thought I’d share with you how God met me and delivered His comfort in a most personal way in the weeks following our daughter’s death. ( yep, there it is that awful word) Seems that when I struggled with a particular time of day or event ( her birthday, best friend’s wedding, etc), the only time He had my full attention was in my sleep. I would awaken around 2AM with words swirling in my mind…often scripture. I’d get out of bed and think, ” Maybe I should write this down.” It wasn’t mystical, automatic handwriting..nothing like that…just God’s tender comfort in my mind in His words. So I wrote.
On one occasion, I was really struggling at the dinner table…we always ate dinner together..never in front of the TV…but I found myself shooing everyone into the living room to eat on trays because I simply could not bear her empty chair. After sometime of this passed by, He woke me in the night and gave this to me..
“The oil of joy for mourning, a garment of praise for despair
These are the things I offer as you look at her empty chair
It’s my presence you seek at the table
When the evening meal is shared
So I reach out to take her place in your family circle of prayer.
Be comforted, precious, ones, I whisper,
To your lonely table of three
For soon you’ll feast at my banquet
With not only Brooke, but Me.”
Makes me weep even now as I write again….not sad tears…but grateful tears for His words of comfort and promise …for meeting me in that awful time and gently reminding me of what I know is true. I can’t even begin to tell you how it lifted the sadness. I read in your blog how the truth of His word gently answers your cries and pain and delivers the peace and comfort that ONLY HE can deliver.
Praying for you as write.
Trusting in the all sufficient One
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
I needed this so much today. Sometimes I feel like it’s getting harder, not easier. I hope that’s normal. 2 steps forward, 1 step back, as they say. But your message was such an encouragement to me this morning. So thank you, thank you! for taking the time to write. Hugs, Alisa