Seven years ago, when blogs were just starting to consume the internet, I jumped on the blog band wagon and started my own blog.  It was called “Because He is Worthy” and it was my musings with the Lord in my daily life as a wife and homeschooling mother of 4. As situations would arise in normal life (the old normal) I would write out how Biblical truths were applicable to the individual circumstances I found myself in.  It was a journal of sorts, a lot like this blog, as I walked this life with God and tried to apply His truth to every aspect of my life.

Well, I was rereading it the other day.  It is such a strange thing to look back on some of the “struggles” I was having then.  Oh, what I wouldn’t give to go back!  But when I came to the entry below, it was paralyzing. My breath caught in my throat as I read the words I had penned 7 years ago. It was as if I had stepped into a time machine and the old Alisa was reminding this new, different Alisa, what we both believe. An unspoken question hung in the air, “You believed it then, do you believe it now?”

The post from 7 years ago follows below.  And the person I was referring to, was Grant…

I was struggling recently with fear, worry, and dread.  Our eighteen year old was invited to go to a movie opening with some friends.  The movie didn’t start until midnight, which meant he would be driving home just as the bars would be closing.  I found myself lying in bed that night consumed with fear for his safety.  Statistically, it is the deadliest time on the road.  Sleep was escaping me.  Worry is not normally an area of struggle for me so I was somewhat perplexed.  I decided to get up and meditate on scripture and let it penetrate my heart and bring me comfort and peace while at the same time reveal to me the reason for my worry.

So where was Biblical truth not functioning for me on a heart level?  I was struggling with anxiousness, worry, and fear.  Where was my focus?  Where should it be?  

In this situation I was not trusting God’s goodness towards my son and me.  I wanted control over the situation and a guarantee of my desired outcome.  I was craving supreme authority over my life and the life of my son.  I was struggling to relinquish my desired will for God’s unknown will.

 But my life is not my own and neither does the life of my son belong to me.  We were bought with a price and our lives are now God’s!  He has supreme authority, not me!  I can trust He knows what is best, I can trust His love for me, and I can have confidence God has my best interest at heart.

As I applied gospel truth to my situation I was aware that I do not always trust God’s goodness; rather I sometimes look to circumstance to determine his goodness.  If things go my way, God is good.  But what if there were tragedy?  Would I still believe God is good?  Not if I were looking to the circumstance as my determining factor.

So where should I look when worry and fear strike?  I need to look to God and his promises.  He is my refuge and strength in times of need [Psalm 46:1].  He will never give me more than I can handle [1 Corinthians 10:13] and his grace will be sufficient for every situation he allows [2 Corinthians 12:9].  There is nothing that will ever happen to me in this life, good or bad, that will ever compare to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus [Philippians 3:8] and being with him for all eternity.

There it is. The old me standing firmly on the truths of that blog post, some 7 years ago.  Finding comfort in heart, soul, and mind because of those promises of God I looked to, on a night my son came home safely and normal life continued on.  Fast forward 7 years. The very thing that kept me awake has now come true. I am living the nightmare that robbed me of sleep that night, 7 years ago.

So, do I still believe all of that?  Can I stand here today and say to the Alisa of the past, I still believe? Yes, a resounding, yes! Those promises, that truth, I believed then, and I still believe today in the midst of the dreaded nightmare.  And while they don’t take away the pain or the sadness they do give me hope.  It’s because of those promises and truths, I can grieve today with hope…