Several jammie days, in December. Days laying on the couch, thinking, remembering, longing, hoping, smiling, missing, crying… I thought after the holidays were over, it would get a little bit easier. But that has not proven to be true. With the holidays, came business, company, traditions, our annual winter skiing trip. Things out of the ordinary “normal” life that took negotiating and took up space in the mind.
But now that life is “normal” again and I am back to the day-to-day, I find that I can get through my days without much thought, little is required of my mind with no new decisions to be made. I can get through the day-to-day with little effort, little required of me. So that leaves plenty of time, and energy, for my mind to drift…and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out where it goes when given free rein to wonder. So I find myself many times during the day, in sad places…standing over the stove, running errands, folding laundry. Almost as if I have taken a step backwards in the process of grief.
So I have spent the morning remembering Grant. But I have also spent the morning remembering truth. If I look at this with my own understanding my view will be warped, skewed, darkness will prevail. If I keep my eyes fixed on the world and only what is here, only what I understand, only my own perspective, my eye sight will be poor, dim, unable to see truth. Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy, the soul aches. I must see this thru God’s perspective. Scriptural glasses, Biblical lenses. Without God’s word as a lens, the world warps. Without His truth, the pain seems unbearable. I must see this as God sees this…thru His eyes in order for there to be any light. Life is so much more than what we can see with our eyes. We need God’s eyes, his omniscient vision. Only God sees from beginning to end, only God can help me to see beauty in these ashes.
My reaction to Grant’s death is sometimes selfish. I only see my pain, my lack, what I am missing, what has been taken. But if I strive to see this from God’s perspective, a true perspective, there would be rejoicing with my missing, as I think of my beloved son in Heaven. Proper vision brings peace to stand beside turmoil, as I accept the truth that Grant isn’t truly missing anything. He is the lucky one. I realize the world would consider me a mad woman for seeing it this way. But as a believer, a lover of the One True God, I must! I will. It’s my only hope, of grieving with hope…
Matthew 6:22-23 The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!