The tragedy of losing Grant has made me reevaluate why I had children. Why did I have children? Was the primary reason to bring me happiness? Was it to have relationship with them, watch them grow, and the joys that come with that? If so, is there anything wrong with that? No, I don’t think so. But it cannot be the only reason.
While it is undeniable that children bring us inexpressible joy, it is also undeniable that the love we have for them leaves us helpless, vulnerable, and at God’s mercy. If I went into parenting because of what it would do for me, when tragedy struck, I would be gravely disappointed, disillusioned, and angry at God!
It is paramount, as I walk through this process of losing Grant, that I understand that the primary reason God blessed me with my children was to bring glory to Him and further His kingdom, not mine. They were never meant to be for my glory or to help me build a happy kingdom of my own making, here on earth. They were never actually mine, they have always been on loan to us.
In order to make it through the other side of this grief journey, while keeping my relationship with God in tack, I believe I must distinguish between the two; God’s glory and purposes and my happiness and selfish ambitions. It is the only thing that will get me through the daily grind and the weariness that comes with the longing, the missing. If I anticipate my children will always bring happiness, when that doesn’t happen, it will derail me, and weaken my faith and trust in the Lord. If I expect that there will always be peace and tranquility in the relationships I have with my kids, void of devastating heartache, if heartache happens, I will be bitter at God.
Conversely, if my focus in my role as a mother, is glorifying my Heavenly Father and furthering His kingdom purposes, I can remain steadfast even through the darkest most painful valley I could imagine. If I can remember that Grant was given to us for a season, for Kingdom purposes, and not my own purposes, it can help me to trust God even though I will never understand, this side of Heaven. As I strive to look to God and put Him at the center of my life through this, rather than looking for happiness, comfort, and ease, a different outcome, a different life, a different ending, I can trust He is working through each and every situation, even this. Grieving with hope…