“I have no explanations. I have no answers to my questions. I can do nothing else than endure in the face of my deepest and most painful mysteries.” I strive to stay in a place of trust, faith, hope. I believe in God the Father, maker of Heaven and Earth, and resurrector of Jesus Christ, His son. I also believe my son’s life was cut off in its prime.
I believe God is a loving Heavenly Father and wants what’s best for me. But I also believe Grant’s death was a horrible gruesome tragedy, that no one should have to endure.
I believe God is a God of comfort and wants to wipe away every one of my tears. But I also believe He could have prevented these tears and chose not to.
And so the seemingly, contrary thoughts go. The list seems endless. I cannot fit these opposing pieces together. I am at a loss when I try. I don’t understand how all of these opposing truths exist simultaneously. But this I do know. If my God were big enough to understand, He certainly wouldn’t be big enough to worship. He is infinite, I am finite. I will never understand everything about God, his sovereign plan, or how it all fits together for good. I will never completely understand how apparent, contrary truths can both be true at the same time. But I don’t have to. Faith makes a way to be comfortable with the mystery. Today I rest, knowing that some how these truths can exist at the same time, and they will be woven together to create a life tapestry that glorifies my Lord.
You are bringing glory to God. In you pain and agony you are revealing to others, the mystery of the creator of the universe. Sometimes, only in the deepest place of pain can we bring life to others. That is no comfort to you and doesn’t ease your terrible heartache, but you are glorifying your father who is in heaven. He sees you, He hears you, He weeps with you as we weep with you.
Oh Jennifer, I wish I could give you a hug. Your encouragement means so much. I am so grateful for you, humbled by your words, and looking to my Savior. Hugs ❤
Alisa – you don’t know me – but we have many mutual friends/acquaintances in the homeschool world here. I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your sweet firstborn son. As a mother my heart aches for you and as a sister in Christ I pray for you. I have walked the road of loss of a child with a dear friend and know that it is not an easy one. I have learned a lot from her and it helps me with how to comfort others when the time comes. Thank you for sharing your heart even though it is raw and hurting. Your words glorify the Lord, and I am sure make Grant proud of his mom. Love in Christ, Tracy
Tracey, I am so incredibly humbled that you would write this to someone you don’t know and that you would pray for us. I love the body of Christ, and your prayers mean so much to us. Thank you ❤
Dearest Alisa, my heart breaks for you and your family! We have a mutual friend, Jeanine Kelch, who shared your blog with me. You see, I too lost my son in a motorcycle accident a year ago April 22, 2012. My world came crashing down on me as I sat alone in my new home in Texas. We had just moved away from CA 11 days earlier and I had been busy unpacking when my daughter in law called me to tell me my only son was gone. At first I didn’t understand, but then I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I couldn’t breath, it wasn’t true, it wasn’t my Brandon, it was another person…not MY son, God wouldn’t take my boy from me…but He did. I had just lost my Mom, He couldn’t take them both away from me! I still don’t understand why, but He must have needed Brandon home in Heaven with Him. I wake up every morning and the first thing I see is a picture of my son and me and I remember, he isn’t here anymore, he is with our Lord, no more addictions, no more pain, no more struggles. I will see him again one day and spend all eternity with him, but until then I have to learn to live with this separation. I am blessed to have two wonderful granddaughters who are their Daddy’s little clones. Kaia is 10 yrs. old and looks identical to Brandon at that age. She is fearless and wants to try everything, not one bit shy, she has such a love of life like he did. Leila is 5 yrs. old and is her Daddy’s twin, down to her missing front teeth 🙂 when ever I see her I see her Daddy, his first day of kindergarten smiling from ear to ear with his two front teeth missing too. She has his laugh and his voice and I close my eyes and I see my little boy standing in front of me. Our Lord may have taken my son home, but He left me two wonderful little reminders that I have to go on. They love to hear stories of when their Daddy was a little boy. It makes them laugh and my heart feels full again. I just want to let you know that even though it doesn’t seem like it right now the pain does ease up. It hasn’t gone away for me but Jesus holds me close and gives me His peace and makes it bearable. I hate my new “normal”, I want my old normal back. It was comfortable and it didn’t hurt. I will be praying for you and your family to get through this roughest of times. No parent deserves to belong to this club but I want you to know that I am here and I understand what you are going through. May Jesus hold you close and fill you with His peace too.
Sharon, I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say I can’t imagine your pain, but we both know that I can. And you are right…this is not a club any one would want membership to. But I am grateful that you wrote me. It is comforting to ‘meet’ others who have traveled this road ahead of me, and witness God’s faithfulness to them as they learn to live around the gap. So thank you for writing and thank you for praying. We are humbled and thankful that you would do that for us. Hugs