Sometimes I feel like I am getting worse, not better. It’s scary. Today I am a little more sad, and a little more angry with God. I find myself questioning him again and at times and some days it seems impossible to trust him. There are days life seems pointless, as does prayer. Is this a normal part of the grieving process? Or am I going down a road of no return? How will I know? God help me…sustain my faith. I am undone, wrung out, nothing left. I just want to hate you…the anger is somehow more vindicating than the blind trust. My flesh tells me I have a right to be angry. Yet, my spirit urges me to be humble in the face of God and not try to understand the Creator of the Universe; its a futile attempt. The spirit urges me to go to the word and meditate on the things of God that are revealed. Getting stuck in questions that cannot be answered, only increase despair, anger, and a lack of trust. I must go to the Word, and not rely on my own understanding of things!
The word I went to today…Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
I have read this many times. But this time, there was something different about it. As I read it again and again I was beginning to make a connection. In the moments I am having a pity party, and refusing to find any reason to love God, I am so incredibly tired, despondent, despairing. I am physically weak…I can feel it. In the moments I refuse to trust God, I become angry at Him, and I am weary. The anger creates a weariness to the very inside of me. In the moments I put my hope in anything other than The Lord, I have no strength. Even the smallest task seems impossible, much less having enough strength for an entire day, or the strength to look to God’s word, or strength to fight for joy, belief, and trust! It is becoming so obvious to me as I walk thru this. This thing we call grief. When I am angry at God, accusing, blaming, questioning his goodness, I get completely overwhelmed and feel like I cannot go on. I despair, and there is literally a weariness to the bone.
However, when I am in a place of choosing to trust god, regardless of this tragedy and how I feel, I have hope and strength for the day. When I choose to trust God, and accept that I will never fathom His understanding, I find moments of joy in my day and have the energy I need to complete the day’s tasks. When I put my hope in the Creator of the ends of the Earth, and meditate on His worthiness because of who He is and what He has done for me in Christ, I am able to resist despair, and it gives me fresh hope for this suffering. As I fix my gaze on God, the cross, the Heavenly home He has prepared for me, for Grant, and all who believe, I am able to sense God’s nearness, feel His comfort, and have peace of soul and mind.
Do you not know, Alisa? Have you not heard? Look back, recall, and you will see that this is true. Look to the lives of other believers that have walked this road before you and see God’s faithfulness. Look to God’s word, put your hope in Him. He will renew your strength, you will run and not grow weary, you will walk and not be faint. Alisa, fix your gaze on God and stand in the shadow of the cross. It is there you will find hope.