Cleaning the bathroom, I find his razor and plummet downward into darkness. Moments later I recall the first time he shaved and a smile breaks into the darkness and brings with it a ray of light. My spirit lifts.
A few minutes later, I catch a view of his empty car sitting out front, and once again I spiral downward, and my cheeks are flooded with tears. Then I have a thought of Heaven, think of him there, waiting for us, worshipping his Savior and I can breathe again.
Making next week’s menu I find myself thinking about all of his favorite foods, and weep over recipe cards. However, joy breaks thru minutes later as I recall the thousands of meals I got to make for him and how much he loved his mom’s cooking. And now he has tasted the Lord’s supper, he has dined with the King. A moment of peace, comfort, joy.
And so my days go. It is literally like riding an emotional roller coaster. Within minutes I find myself at opposite ends of the emotional and faith scales. The chain of memory can come from almost anything and quickly winds its way to my broken heart. Up and full of hope one minute only to plummet into darkness and despair moments later. And then up and down again, and again, and again.
But it won’t always be like this. I know that. God promises and I believe him. Even if it is this way until I stand at the gates of Heaven, there will be a day when my Lord wipes away every tear, comforts every sorrow, and gives me perfect peace and joy for eternity. Sustain me Jesus until that day. And help me to live this day, in light of that day.