moving

I hate going out in public these days. Even just getting in the car to start the errand process, can bring on heaviness, profound sadness. There’s literally a physical reaction and it feels as if someone is standing on my chest, I feel hot, and panicky feelings set in. And then the tears. That seemingly non-ending flow of tears as I move around town.

I was praying the other day while out running errands…more like bawling out loud and talking to God…but that’s what prayer looks like right now for me. I was lamenting to God how much I hated this.  This moving on with life. I hate it! I resent it! I don’t want to move on. When I am doing something that resembles “moving on” it feels disloyal. It feels wrong, it feels like a lie. I am existing on the top layer, pretending everything’s OK, looking normal to those I come in contact with.

But what I realized in that moment, as I cried out to God between Walmart and the bank, moving on doesn’t mean moving away. Because I go to the cleaners, doesn’t mean everything’s ok now. Because I make a deposit at the bank, isn’t an indication that Grant means any less to me. Just because I run to the store for milk, does not mean my affections for Grant are less or “I’m getting over it.”

I am not moving on from Grant, as if that were even possible. I am attempting to move on with this life God gave me. I am not moving away from his memory, or what I miss most about him, or moving away from the love and affection I have for Grant. I will never move on from those things, never regardless of what I am doing, or what life looks like now in the day to day.

So tomorrow, when life starts to put her demands on me, pressing me to move forward, I will remind myself, that moving on does not mean, will never mean, moving away.

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6 Responses to moving

  1. Angel says:

    I hear your words and I am sorry you feel so much pain. I am a mother and I can’t imagine what your going through, but I know it must be terribly painful. I know nothing I say will make you feel better, but please know there are people who think about you and your family. I know everyday you are healing.
    I understand what you are saying about moving forward. Please don’t feel guilty.
    You are a wonderful mother and your son knew that. He wants you to be happy.
    May God speed your healing:)
    With deep love and compassion, Angel

    • Alisa says:

      Angel, thank you for your sweet message. It means so much to me. We are humbled and so grateful for the care and prayers of others. It really does mean so so much.

  2. Robin says:

    Sweet Mrs. McCormick,
    A friend sent me the link to your blog and after spending almost an hour tonight reading through it, I started to pray for you. As I did, an old church song came to mind, and I hope its one that you know too. I don’t know what it’s called, but it goes like this: “Spring up o’ well, within my soul. Spring up o’ well and make me whole. Spring up o’ well and give to me that life abudantly. I’ve got a river of life flowing out of me. Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see. Opens prison doors, sets the captives free. I’ve got a river of life flowing out of me.”

    You have a river of life flowing out of you, and its amazing what God has brought about after losing Grant. I pray that this well that you have deep in your soul (this knowledge of a real, true God) will make you whole and will continue to give you life, daily and abundantly.

    Thank you for sharing your grief, your sorrow, your pain and also your joy, your strength and your hope. It’s amazing what our God can do and what He has already done. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

    Fondly,

    Robin Snyder

    • Alisa says:

      Dear Robin, wish I could give you a hug. Thank you for this. What a sweet girl you are to take the time to send me this and let me know you’re walking this with us. So humbled and so grateful. Hugs

      • Robin says:

        Dear Alisa,

        I woke up this morning and prayed for your family. As I did, I was reminded of one of the miracles of tragedy…it brings us from a place of passivity to action…and you are taking action, and in the process a ministry is blooming. Your website will be a “well” that people can come and draw from in the face of their own tragedy.

        I will continue to pray for “wholeness” for you guys. Only Christ can fill the void that Grant left and I believe He will fill it to overflowing. Overflowing with gratitude, love, hope and daily reassurances that God’s plan has been fulfilled in Grant’s life and will continue to be fulfilled in your life too.

        With lots of love,
        Robin

      • Alisa says:

        This means more than words are able to express…so I will simply say thank you, and pray you sense our gratefulness ❤

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