time

Time. It’s taken on new meaning. Fresh meaning. I am more aware of it than ever before.

It’s so hard to put into words, something you’ve never experienced before. It’s bizarre living with the knowledge of Grant’s passing and missing him in a way that’s unlike I have ever missed anyone or anything before. I have experienced the temporary missing. But this existence, this life, is all I know, and for the rest of it, I will be separated from Grant.  I have no hope of seeing him again, in this life, and everyday I am reminded of something that I will miss out on with my son.

 This makes time a strange thing. On the one hand, I want God to hasten the day I will see Grant again. Speed up time, make it pass quickly. But the opposite is just as true. I want time to slow down.  Each tick of the clock moves me further away from the last time I saw Grant, held Grant, talked with Grant. So in that vein I want time to stand still. Time, every day moves me one step closer to reunion, but that same day moves me one step further from togetherness here.  Oh God, how do you hasten the day and make time stand still simultaneously?

Time. Now more precious, and I cherish it it new ways. I am not given an unlimited amount of it. Death is a sober reminder of that. Rather than let death and sorrow rob me, of the life I have left, I need to make it my constant reminder that time is limited. People always talk about this, but death makes it real…fresh. So death, reminds me to cherish every smile, giggle, and laugh. It makes every hug and “I love you” just a little bit warmer. It makes seemingly small conversations, meaningful. It reminds me that there are no small moments. Life is built with thousands of mundane ordinary moments stacked on top of one another. So I need to relish those everyday moments in time.

Time. Now more significant. I am more aware of it than ever before. Each of us is given a certain amount of time…in each day, in each life. Only The Lord knows how much time we have left. What do I want to do with the time I have been given? What matters most, what truly counts, what will last after my time is up? What will stand the test of time? 2 or 3 generations after we are gone, most of us will be forgotten forever. Only the things that have eternal value, last the test of time.

Time. I want to live today like I’m dying…because I am, we all are. Time. Alisa, live like there’s no tomorrow…because there might not be. Time. I want to live a life that counts.

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