“Did you have fun, Mom?” Our 16 year old asked, after a visit with family friends. I immediately responded, “Fun? No, not fun….don’t think I would describe it as fun.”
But as I laid in bed that night and thought back on the evening, I really had had some fun. I laughed, we talked about pleasant things happening in other’s lives, I smiled as we talked about memories of Grant. So I did have ‘fun’.
But I missed it. I didn’t recognize it. I think that is because, I live life now with a profound sadness, a heavy weight that presses down. It never leaves. I am weary from the work that it takes to keep on breathing. So, I did have fun, but it was commingled with soul crushing sadness, they exist side by side now, occupying the same space.
Will I learn to live with this weight? Will it become second nature? Will it be my default, constantly causing me to fight for joy, trying to recognize joy when it comes? Or does the weight decrease over time? Will joy become my default again someday, where sadness rears its ugly head only occasionally? I have no way of knowing. I cannot answer these questions today.
But this I do know today. God will never leave me nor forsake me as I walk through this. He will give me a peace that transcends my limited understanding, and He will comfort me, sustain me, strengthen me, and preserve my faith moment by moment, until that day when joy reigns alone and forevermore. I choose to trust Him, today, even though I do not know the answers to the questions above. A day is coming when the weight of this world will be lifted forever and replaced with the weight of His eternal glory. I believe that, because I trust God! And it gives this grieving heart hope…