year number 2 is a strong opponent

It has been so long since I have posted.  There have been many days that I have come to my computer, opened the dash board on my blog and just sat staring at the screen.  I had every intention of writing when I sat down, but many times I just can’t seem to make myself write.  I don’t trust what my fingers will type.  I am sure others will think I should be further along than I am.  I fear my ramblings may appear to be a lack of faith or irreverent…so I sit and stare, and try another day.

But today, today I came across this.  It is from Bo Stern’s Blog, the author of “Beautiful Battlefields.” It is one of my favorite books I read last year, and I have been following her blog since I discovered it.  She is a precious wife and mother, who is caring for her husband, while he is dying from ALS. You will never meet a more Godly woman or encounter a stronger faith.  This is what she wrote yesterday…

“I’ve wandered to my keyboard today, wanting to write out some sort of something.  Emotions, memories-in-the-making, fears, failures, frustrations, wins, wounds.  Maybe I feel a little behind in my processing or maybe there is no such thing. Maybe we’re on a  new stretch of road in the journey and my head is spinning with all the ways I feel inadequate to shepherd my little flock through this unmarked place. I don’t know, exactly, all the things happening in my head, but I do know I am loaded up with thoughts and just a little nervous about what might flow out of my fingertips.

And yet, I’ve committed to authenticity – as much as I can muster and as much as I feel the world outside our window can handle. So, here I am, landing hard on the grace of Jesus today and using my words to share some random thoughts that really may be only for me.  Feel free to jump off the train right here if you’d like.”

When I read these words, it was as if she could see into my mind, my heart, my soul.  I felt as if I could have written them.  I want to be authentic, but I want to be genuine in a way that honors the Lord.  And that is sometimes hard to do as I trudge through this year, year number 2. Year number 2 is proving to be as hard as year number 1, but for different reason, with different struggles, new demons lurking in the shadows preying on our weakness, our weary hearts.  But there are also different discoveries about the Lord, things I never knew, depths I could never have imagined.  So I must keep writing, I must.  I will try…

But today I leave you with this song. It’s on repeat, as are the tears that flow while I listen, as I try to connect the truths of these lyrics to my heart, mind, and soul, regardless of how I feel today…it is well with my soul!

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