not everything i want

I haven’t been writing much lately. I know I should, as it helps keep the truth front and center.  But I just haven’t had it in me. It’s been a long 2 months, a hard 2 months, and we are weary. My birthday without him, the one year anniversary of the last time I spoke with my precious son, the one year anniversary of Grant’s death, Mother’s Day minus one, his little sister’s birthday without both big brothers, Grant’s birthday (he would have been 26), and Father’s Day, with the gap so glaring…all to walk through within a 6 week period of time.  So hard.

I was reflecting on all of the above when these lyrics flashed upon the screen at church on Sunday…

“Christ is enough.  Christ is my reward. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in you.”

When walking through extreme pain, it causes us to evaluate everything we believe, every scripture, every promise, every sermon, every christianize. We ask ourselves how does this or that stand up to what has happened. So I found myself doing that again as I sang this song.

“Christ is enough.  Christ is my reward. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in you.”

It was so easy to sing that song when I had everything I wanted. But can I sing it when things aren’t as I want them to be? Is Christ enough in the dead of night when sadness robs sleep. Is Christ enough when you want to pick up the phone and tell your first born how much you love him, but know that will never be again in this lifetime? Is Christ enough on June 12, 2014, when we should be celebrating his 26th birthday but instead we struggle to breath.

Yes, He is enough, because Christ is everything I need. Jesus is not everything I want. I don’t want this; living the rest of my life without Grant, missing out on everything we had hoped for him, dreamt for him. I don’t want the pain that comes from losing him, learning to live without him here, the struggle of trying to figure who I am as a mother of 3 instead of 4. But I know now, more than ever before, because I have been forced to live it, everything I need is in Christ. Not everything I want, but need yes. So, Christ is enough.

And so I sing…“Christ is enough.  Christ is my reward. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in you.” No, it’s not everything I want, but it is everything I need.


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