grieving with hope

It occurred to me today that I get to be with Grant longer than I will ever be without him!

And I cannot wait for my VIP tour as only he could give, when I arrive at the gates of Heaven.  I have little doubt he will be pointing out all of the intricacies of the structures, and how they use the light, and straightening anything that’s out of place along the way.  He will make certain I see the magnificence of the city of God, the lines, the angles, the use of space.

I smile as I think of this…and for that I am grateful today.

8 months.  It’s been a little over 8 months since I saw him, talked with him, hugged him; 8 months since I have seen that silly “oh, mom” grin.  It feels like forever ago, and yet the pain still stings like it was yesterday.  I run to the Word. 

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:16

In the precious words of this passage I am told of the place I should go in my time of need, the procedure to follow, and the purpose for going.  This verse holds tremendous promise for this bereaved mother. There is a place for believers to go when they are feeling overwhelmed and desperate.  The place is “God’s throne of grace.”  Do not wait until you are at the end of yourself.  Be acquainted with His throne and run there often.  I can tell you from experience, He will lift your burden.

This verse also tells me how I am to come to this throne; “with confidence.”  I can speak freely and frankly to my Heavenly Father, because by faith I have access to Him.  I can tell God exactly what I need without hesitation. He loves me, He knows my pain, He can bring comfort.

Lastly, the purpose for running to the throne with confidence is “that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”   I need mercy because of my sins and failures.  I  need grace, because life is hard!  It’s so painful sometimes, it’s hard to breathe. But my Heavenly Father is rich in mercies and gives abundant grace for my present hour of sorrow and need.  At the throne of God I will find an infinite, inexhaustible resource of His grace in perfect measure and in perfect timing.

Lehman Strauss says of this verse, “If you are in need come to him now.  No problem is too tough, no petition too trifling, and no power too transcendent for Him to handle.  Let there be no lack of confidence between you and your great High Priest.  He knows you.  He loves you.  He is waiting now for you to come to Him in your time of need.” 

The truth of this text sustains me while walking through month number 8, one of the most painful seasons of my life.  It will sustain and lift you as well.  If you are in need, if you are grieving today, do not delay in coming to God’s throne of grace.

Hebrews11:13-16 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

 This earth; not my real home.  I am a stranger, just visiting for a short while. That was obvious to the Hebrews of Biblical times, and it is so obvious to me today!

I know Heaven is my true home. I know God’s word teaches I am an alien to this world, just passing thru, as the verse above states. As a believer, I have understood that on an intellectual level for a very long time. But now, now that Grant is gone, gone to our real eternal home, this truly doesn’t feel like home anymore. I am filled with longing and pangs of homesickness for the place I truly belong. Does that sound morbid to you? Does it sound like a death wish? It shouldn’t.

This pain of losing Grant, and trying to build a life without him, is a daily reminder that this is not my true home. The death of a loved one makes Heaven a sweeter place, if that’s even possible. And knowing Grant’s home already, makes me long for my true home in a way I never could before.

We get attached to things here.  And our affections for those things tie us to this earth. But when something we love so much has gone home, our affections go with it in a sense, and we long for that place they have gone to. When I think of Heaven now, it’s not a daydream or a pleasant diversion, or an escape from my pain. It’s hope, it’s my spiritual sanity. It’s a place where there will be comfort, relief, refreshment, unspeakable joy, reunion. A place of no more sorrow, no more pain; it will be home, my true home, my eternal home.

A dear sweet friend sent me the link to the article below.  It was written by a mother who lost her 17 year old daughter to cancer, five years ago.  It resonated with my heart and soul, so I re-post it below, or you can click the link to be taken directly to the original blog post.

Ten on the Tenth — New Year’s Resolutions for Bereaved Parents

Several jammie days, in December.  Days laying on the couch, thinking, remembering, longing, hoping, smiling, missing, crying… I thought after the holidays were over, it would get a little bit easier.  But that has not proven to be true.  With the holidays, came business, company, traditions, our annual winter skiing trip. Things out of the ordinary “normal” life that took negotiating and took up space in the mind.

But now that life is “normal” again and I am back to the day-to-day, I find that I can get through my days without much thought, little is required of my mind with no new decisions to be made.  I can get through the day-to-day with little effort, little required of me.  So that leaves plenty of time, and energy, for my mind to drift…and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out where it goes when given free rein to wonder. So I find myself many times during the day, in sad places…standing over the stove, running errands, folding laundry.  Almost as if I have taken a step backwards in the process of grief.

So I have spent the morning remembering Grant.  But I have also spent the morning remembering truth.  If I look at this with my own understanding my view will be warped, skewed, darkness will prevail. If I keep my eyes fixed on the world and only what is here, only what I understand, only my own perspective, my eye sight will be poor, dim, unable to see truth. Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy, the soul aches.  I must see this thru God’s perspective. Scriptural glasses, Biblical lenses. Without God’s word as a lens, the world warps. Without His truth, the pain seems unbearable.  I must see this as God sees this…thru His eyes in order for there to be any light. Life is so much more than what we can see with our eyes. We need God’s eyes, his omniscient vision.  Only God sees from beginning to end, only God can help me to see beauty in these ashes.

My reaction to Grant’s death is sometimes selfish. I only see my pain, my lack, what I am missing, what has been taken.  But if I strive to see this from God’s perspective, a true perspective,  there would be rejoicing with my missing, as I think of my beloved son in Heaven. Proper vision brings peace to stand beside turmoil, as I accept the truth that Grant isn’t truly missing anything.  He is the lucky one.  I realize the world would consider me a mad woman for seeing it this way.  But as a believer, a lover of the One True God, I must! I will. It’s my only hope, of grieving with hope…

Matthew 6:22-23 The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

Christmas has come and gone…our first without Grant.  I thought we would all start to feel better after the holidays were behind us. I anticipated conquering this big “first” to bring some relief. But today is “one of those days.” Everyone, including me, seems to have woken up sad, longing, missing!  Grief is like that.  It has a life of its own and you never know, or why, or when, it’s going to strike and claim its prey, threatening to still the day’s joy. While trying to read my Bible this morning all I could do was cry.  So on days like this I quickly turn to this verse and meditate on its astonishing truth.

 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.  2 Peter 1:3-4

 The gospel, the power of Christ, is everything I need for life and godliness, even on a road of suffering.  The ability to do all things, God has called me to do, has been given to me in Christ, even on a journey of grief.  The verbs in this verse are past tense.  This is better than, more than, a promise to come.  It is, in fact, a “done deal” as they say.  When I am feeling inadequate or incapable of living the new normal, life without one of my precious children, I need to remember this verse and meditate on its truth.

I can have the confidence that if God has called me to walk through this, He will equip.  The confidence to walk this road is not found in my abilities, endurance, or strength.  It is in Christ, by “His divine nature,” that I will have the grace, strength, and capacity to walk this road in a way that Glorifies Him and honors Grant’s memory.

Do I need more strength today?  It is there in Christ?  Do I need more hope today?  It is there in Christ.  Do I need more joy today?  It is there in Christ! What is it you need today?  I can say with certainty, It is there for you, in Christ!

I didn’t make it to the mall this year.  I wasn’t able to shop for even one gift.  I didn’t bake one Christmas goodie, or Christmas Eve dinner, or even Christmas dinner.  We didn’t go look at lights.  And we never did hang up the stockings.  And there were many days this month  I never made it out of my jammies.

But there were moments of joy, and we relished those with much greater fervor.  We have loved ones around us, and we are more grateful than we have ever been.  And I can honestly say that Christmas has taken on new and more profound meaning for me this year.

Immanuel, like we sing in the Christmas songs, literally means “God is with us.” On the first Christmas night over 2000  years ago, God came to dwell with us.  He left Heaven, to come dwell with us, knowing we would reject Him, and eventually kill Him.  And yet He came.  He came for me, He came for Grant, He came for us all.

And because of Immanuel, Grant rejoices in Heaven this Christmas Eve.  Because of Immanuel I too will rejoice in Heaven, with Grant, for an eternity’s worth of Christmases.  And because of Immanuel I can find the joy in Christmas even in the midst of my grief.

Merry Christmas Grant. You are more missed than I can put into word.

The other night my nine year old nephew put a post-it in front of me because he had written something on it that he wanted me to see.  The problem was he put it too close to my face and it became a blur.  Two thoughts occurred to me as I pulled his hand back so I could actually read what it was he was trying to show me.

First, it was clear at that moment that I am getting old.  It will be no time at all before I will be donning a pair of those lovely magnified glasses old folks wear on the end of their noses.

Secondly, I was reminded of Colossians 3:1-4 and its implications.

 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.  For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

 Where I look effects how I walk this road of grief.  I am often tempted to look at my immediate circumstances and the daily events as they unfold, stinging my day, threatening to rob my joy as I try to live the new normal…a Christmas without Grant.   That becomes a problem, however, when I am looking at those things without Christ in my view.  When my pain blinds me to everything except the here and now.  It would be like trying to drive my car and never looking past the hood.  When driving I have to look out in the distance to see where I am headed.

It is the same thing in life.  I have to look at all of life, and death (including Grant’s), with Christ in view, with my mind “set on things above,” and a focus on my future to come, where I will be in glory with God, and reunited with Grant.  If I face life and the holidays with Christ in view and if my mind is set on things above, it will put my daily grief in the right perspective.  When my mind is only on “earthly things” my vision will be skewed, as the post-it was, and grief will win. And grief cannot, must not win.

Where I  look will effect how I walk this road of suffering. If I am constantly looking back at what I had and now is gone, I will be sad, bitter, angry.  If I am always gazing on what could have been, I will be disheartened, discontent, skeptical.  No, I must fix my focus on things to come.  I must focus on the certainty of my eternity with Christ and an endless Christmas someday, when I have been united with my Savior, and reunited with Grant. That is where I must fix my gaze this Christmas. Grief cannot, must not win and rob us of the joy now and the joy to come!

A precious friend sent the below blog post to me with the caption, “You’re not alone.” (the original post can be found here) As I read it, nearly every word resinated with my soul.  It was as if I could have written it.  I know there are many of you that read this blog, that have recently lost someone dear to you as we have.  And you are struggling to find the joy in Christmas this year.  Read…and know, you’re not alone ❤

Christmas—it’s a time of wonder, magic, joy, peace and those warm-hearted feelings that make December “the most wonderful time of the year.” But for those of us who have lost loved ones, this season may be marked by grief, loneliness, doubt and fear. Traditions that used to bring joy now bring a flood of tears. Crowded rooms feel hauntingly lonely because someone is missing. Nothing feels the same. Our hearts echo the hymn lyrics, “O come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel, that mourns in lonely exile here.”

In March of 2010, my husband passed away, leaving behind two small children and me. Just when I felt like the fog of grief was starting to lift, the holidays rolled around. Christmas had always been my favorite time of year, but as I faced my first Christmas without my husband, I did not know how to navigate the season anymore.

I wanted our family to hang his ornaments on the tree but was terrified we would break one. Setting up the nativity scene he bought me on our trip to Israel had been my favorite part of preparing for Christmas. Now it just left me a crying mess. I wanted to enjoy the season, but the weight of grief threatened to rob me of the joy that celebrating Christ’s birth should bring. But over the last three years, I have learned how to celebrate both the Christmas season and the memories of my husband in a sweet way that leads my heart to worship.

It’s okay to grieve…

Grief is painful and complex. In the midst of it, we face a strong temptation to push it down and ignore it. To move on. I have battled the lie that enjoying life means I must have forgotten my husband or didn’t love him as much as I claimed. I have experienced guilt for feeling sad and lonely—for surely if I really loved and trusted God, I would not still be feeling these things.

The truth is, it’s okay for me to grieve. Jesus grieved. And God is big enough to handle all the emotions and questions that come with my grief. Instead of being frustrated or disappointed in my grief, He comforts me in it. I can take my broken heart to God without fearing rejection, confident that He will be my refuge. In being honest about my grief, I begin to find healing.

It’s good to remember and celebrate.

While it is important to grieve, it is also important to remember and celebrate what is good. With Christmas come traditions and memories. Don’t run from them. Christmas will never again be exactly the same after the death of someone special. But it can still be sweet and joy-filled. Take time to remember and share the happy memories of your loved one. Hang a special ornament to honor them. Listen to their favorite song and sing along. Make their favorite Christmas treat and enjoy it. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying life. Celebrating does not disrespect their memory—it honors it.

Look to Jesus.

In all that comes with navigating the Christmas season after the loss of a loved one, look to Jesus. In your grief, remember Jesus. In your joy, remember Jesus. The whole point of Christmas is to remember Jesus! We remember the tragedy of sin entering God’s perfect world. We remember the precious promise God made to send a Rescuer to save us from sin. We remember the centuries of waiting for the promised Rescuer and how it showed us our desperate need for Him. We remember that God kept His promise and sent Jesus to rescue us! He was born a humble baby, fully God and fully man. He lived a perfect life, died an undeserved death to take the punishment for our sins and defeated death in His resurrection. We remember that Jesus promised He would return to make all things new. And in remembering Jesus, we grieve and celebrate with hope.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfailing, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time” (1 Peter 1:3-5).

For those of us who have lost loved ones, grief and joy share a space in our hearts this Christmas. But it is my prayer that this Christmas season be one of hope as we grieve and celebrate.  As we look to Jesus, may our hearts rejoice. Emmanuel has come! And He will come again. Because of Christmas…we can grieve with hope.

Talked about trying to put the tree up yesterday. But that’s as far as we got…talking about it. We couldn’t bear the thought of opening the trunks and seeing his ornaments, his stocking.

Still haven’t gone Christmas shopping.  Can’t bear the thought of having one less to shop for.  The pain is too great.  We will try again next weekend.

But I did read and meditate on the poem below all day yesterday.  I tried to imagine Grant in Heaven for Christmas this year! This poem was written by a 13 year old boy named Ben. He died of a brain tumour that he had battled with for over four years.
He gave this poem to his mom, before he died.

I first read this poem the year my mom died.  She had been sick for awhile, and I think she knew she was dying.  She probably had suspicions she wouldn’t be with us that year at Christmas.  So she made a copy of this poem, on a piece of bright red paper, and put it in the file drawer with all of her important papers.  She left it sticking half way up, so it was the first thing your eye went to when the file drawer was opened.  And she knew that drawer would be one of the first places we went, after she had passed.

I will never forget that moment, only days after she had died, sitting at her antique oak desk, opening that drawer and discovering what she had wanted me to read, wanted me to know, wanted me to remember amidst my sadness. And I have read this poem every year at Christmas since that fateful day. So, we didn’t get the tree up, we haven’t gone shopping, and the stockings are not yet hung. But I will read this poem…today and everyday from now until Christmas and imagine my son celebrating Christmas this year with his Savior, in Heaven.

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular – please wipe away the tears,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joys their voices bring,
For it’s beyond description to hear the angels sing!

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. 
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other as my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings of love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.