where is hope

The phone rings, and life as we know it, changes forever. God, no! Oh, God no! This can’t be happening. Why this, why? Why did you do this? Why did you take my son in the prime of his life? The tragedy. Why did you take him in such a gruesome way, to die torn  apart under 5 tons of steel on wheels? The horror! Why did you let us go on about our normal lives, while Grant lay dying alone, no one to hold him, kiss him, pray with him? You call yourself a loving god? A merciful god? I do not see the love, the mercy.  The timing; Glenn, my husband, my one flesh thousands of miles away, when we heard the news…the only one who will ever feel the same pain as mine! Separated for 36 hours, not there to cling to, hold onto, fall into. A good God? Oh the unfathomable, soul crushing despair and sadness. Brie and I clinging to each other, rocking each other in anguish, guttural moans, struggling to breathe, trying to wrap our minds around the unimaginable. How could you call yourself a loving God? A good God?

 I lay on the ground out back, fetal position, clutching his sweatshirt, weeping and gnashing, crying out to God. Tormented, trying to find answers. Demanding of God, some answers. But none come. He is silent, mute, when I need Him most.

 But even in my anguish I know, God, if you did answer my questions, it wouldn’t satisfy my soul’s gapping wound. I don’t really want your answers. I want Grant back, and to that, you have answered, and the answer is no.  Again, my heart questions…a loving God? A good God?

 The pain I feel at Grant’s loss is indescribable. It is so crushing at times I can barely breathe. But even in this, my darkest hour, the most devastating event of my life, I believe God to be a loving God and a good God.  My soul feels it…doesn’t it? But it makes no sense…

 If all I look at is Grant’s horrific demise, and try to determine God’s love for me or goodness towards me, in light of this one event, I will never see it.  But I cannot do that. For the sake of my soul, and the sake of my faith, I must look to Christ and His sacrifice and see all of life (even this) standing in the shadow of the cross.  Because of the cross, I don’t get what I deserve, punishment for my sin. Instead I get what I don’t deserve, the mercy, forgiveness, and love of God. Standing in the shadow of this cross of Christ, is the ONLY way I will ever be able to see God’s love and goodness, in the after math of the unthinkable. When I look to the cross, when I stand in its shadow, only then do I have any hope of seeing a loving God, a good God.

Alisa, stay here, plant your feet firmly in this shadow, fix your gaze on the cross! It’s your only hope…

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5 Responses to where is hope

  1. Amy Williams says:

  2. Lucy Clark says:

    Praying for you. Kenny Jezek asked his friends to pray.

  3. Kim McInturff says:

    My heart aches for you, Alisa. I so admire your courage to honestly share your feelings and heart during this grieving process. That is such a gift to others who have gone through, are going through, or will be going through similar circumstances. I pray it brings you and many others comfort as you use this tool as a way to interact with Jesus in such a deep way which will encourage others to do the same. Love you and praying for you, sister!

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