I live in layers now. There’s the top layer. The layer that musters the words to say, “I’m doing fine, thanks,” in answer to the clerk’s question, “How are you doing today?” This same layer is where I can smile at friends, chit chat about the day, and even occasionally laugh.
But there is a layer underneath this. This bottom layer is in agony, and there is acute pain on and off all day as things come to mind. Emptiness, questions, anger, fear, sorrow, regret, and unbelief constantly jockey for their position to the top layer.
These layers enable me to live with two competing emotions at almost anytime day or night. A constant battle vying for their dominant position: Trust versus question, joy versus agony, faith battles unbelief, peace struggles with anger, anticipation versus regret, assurance wars with confusion, courage battles fear, gratefulness versus bitterness, rejoicing strives to dominate weeping, hope versus despair. They battle one another, day by day, moment by moment, sometimes breath by breath.
My soul is the weary battle ground. I long to be one layer again. And I will be. Christ has already fought these battles for me and won. I will be victorious someday, because of Christ. And until then, he will sustain my faith, comfort my weary broken heart, and never leave my side as he leads me in this battle.