layers

I live in layers now. There’s the top layer.  The layer that musters the words to say, “I’m doing fine, thanks,” in answer to the clerk’s question, “How are you doing today?” This same layer is where I can smile at friends, chit chat about the day, and even occasionally laugh.

 But there is a layer underneath this. This bottom layer is in agony, and there is acute pain on and off all day as things come to mind. Emptiness, questions, anger, fear, sorrow, regret, and unbelief constantly jockey for their position to the top layer.

 These layers enable me to live with two competing emotions at almost anytime day or night. A constant battle vying for their dominant position: Trust versus question, joy versus agony, faith battles unbelief, peace struggles with anger, anticipation versus regret, assurance wars with confusion, courage battles fear, gratefulness versus bitterness, rejoicing strives to dominate weeping, hope versus despair. They battle one another, day by day, moment by moment, sometimes breath by breath.

 My soul is the weary battle ground. I long to be one layer again. And I will be.  Christ has already fought these battles for me and won.  I will be victorious someday, because of Christ. And until then, he will sustain my faith, comfort my weary broken heart, and never leave my side as he leads me in this battle.

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4 Responses to layers

  1. BarbShelton says:

    Alisa!!!!! My heart soooooooooooooooooooooooo aches for ~ and goes out to you!!!!! I wish there was something I could do to fix it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, as you said, your hope is totally in Jesus!!!!! I think of you often, and each time my heart aches for you, and I pray… specifically today that you would find REST for your weary soul in Him!!!!!!!!! That His bright rays will begin peeking out from cracks in the dark clouds.

    With a heart full of love for you all!
    Barb Shelton

  2. Kim McInturff says:

    Your competing emotions reminded me of one of my favorite songs that comes from these verses in Isaiah 61:3.
    “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”
    I love your conclusion that Christ has already fought your battles and won and that He will never leave you!

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