Dull, sad, heavy, listless; is this depression? Will this be my constant companion for months to come? If so, I should fear it. But strangely, it brings comfort. In my grief, in the darkness, when I am consumed with sadness and thoughts of Grant, and dreams dashed, I feel close to him. Because my mind is consumed with thoughts of him, I feel close. So I withstand the dark places for the illusion of togetherness, closeness.
When friends come over, or take me out, in an attempt to distract me, I feel distant from Grant. They mean well, and it’s probably good for me, but it’s exhausting. Trying to live normal, it’s exhausting. And I am forced to think of other things, and when I do, Grant feels far away, and I hate it; panic feelings hover. Will it ever feel normal again? What is normal?
So for now, I will take the sadness and grief and a tortured mind that never stops thinking about what could have been, should have been; because at least in this place I feel close to Grant. I am not ready for him to be a distant memory that I can recall without stabbing pain. I know I can’t stay here, and with Christ, and because of Christ, I will slowly have to make my way out of this place…but not today.