Dull, sad, heavy, listless; is this depression? Will this be my constant companion for months to come? If so, I should fear it. But strangely, it brings comfort. In my grief, in the darkness, when I am consumed with sadness and thoughts of Grant, and dreams dashed, I feel close to him. Because my mind is consumed with thoughts of him, I feel close. So I withstand the dark places for the illusion of togetherness, closeness.
When friends come over, or take me out, in an attempt to distract me, I feel distant from Grant. They mean well, and it’s probably good for me, but it’s exhausting. Trying to live normal, it’s exhausting. And I am forced to think of other things, and when I do, Grant feels far away, and I hate it; panic feelings hover. Will it ever feel normal again? What is normal?
So for now, I will take the sadness and grief and a tortured mind that never stops thinking about what could have been, should have been; because at least in this place I feel close to Grant. I am not ready for him to be a distant memory that I can recall without stabbing pain. I know I can’t stay here, and with Christ, and because of Christ, I will slowly have to make my way out of this place…but not today.
grieving with hope 
Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” I’m standing in prayer for you my dear, for Glenn, Brie, Mark, Colton and Charissa. I read the following and thought it to be thought provoking. Not to minimize your grieving or pain but to encourage to continue telling your mourning process and what God is revealing to you. I can’t as I said before even imagine what you, Glenn, Brie, Mark, Coltor and Charissa are going through or how you go on. But, we who believe in Jesus Christ and have put our faith in him have a resource that the world does not have. Praying God uses your blog and your family to bring many souls to Jesus Christ. And so, dear friend I continue to pray!!!
Found this on Bible Gateway and thought it was so beautiful and reassuring. “When things collapse you can see the faithfulness and love and power of your Lord in ways that we can only see when we’re desperate and beyond what we can fix, what we can handle. This season when things are caving in can be a season of life-changing discovery, as well. You can’t make the hole in your life go away, but you can go through it to discover beauty that you could never see any other way”. This is from Ron Hutchcraft Ministries.
The rest of the article goes onto say – That’s happened to a lot of us when a big hole has opened up in our life – when things collapsed. And it may be that God is wanting you to look beyond that big hole to see the undiscovered beauty that’s underneath it.
In our word for today from the Word of God, He talks about folks who had some major sinkholes open up in their lives. In Isaiah 61:1 : “The Lord has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…to comfort all who mourn, and provide for all those who grieve in Zion.” Then He goes on to show what beauty He hopes we will discover in our grief, “To bestow on them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Beauty in the middle of ashes, gladness in the middle of mourning, and praise in the middle of despair.
When things collapse in our life, we are keenly aware of what we’ve lost. Unless we go deeper, unless we go looking, we will miss what He’s wanting us to gain from this; the things He wants us to see that we would never see without that collapse.
It’s in our hurting times that we can see in the person we married some beautiful strengths that we either forgot or we never noticed. If you let the cave-in drive you closer to your children or your parents, you may see in them a beauty that you’ve missed before. If you look the right direction, a time of loss can be a time of finally seeing the everyday blessings in your life that you’ve been taking for granted. The hole that’s opened up may provide an opportunity for people to really show you how much they love you, for you to appreciate your Christian friends in a new way, for you to tell people that you’ve prayed for about your Jesus. And they’ll listen to you now because of what you’ve been through.
Most of all, when things collapse you can see the faithfulness and love and power of your Lord in ways that we can only see when we’re desperate and beyond what we can fix, what we can handle. This season when things are caving in can be a season of life-changing discovery, as well. You can’t make the hole in your life go away, but you can go through it to discover beauty that you could never see any other way.
Oh Judi, this is so beautiful. And such a gift. Balm to a weary heart. Thank you for taking the time to write it and send it. To all of it I say Amen and Amen!!! Hugs
Everyone grieves and recovers and copes differently. Give yourself permission to take this process as slowly as you need. With Jesus near you, you will go at the pace He knows is right for you. You will never be exactly the same but you will BE again and you will DO again and you will find your new ‘normal’ at the right time. I’m Praying for you daily.
Love you friend!
All I have are tears to share with you……sorry…..no great words of wisdom or comfort, just tears.
Your tears are a balm to this broken and weary heart ❤ They are more than enough.
Thank you ALL for sharing! Judi said/quoted: ” You can’t make the hole in your life go away, but you can go through it to discover beauty that you could never see any other way”. This is from Ron Hutchcraft Ministries. The rest of the article goes onto say – ‘That’s happened to a lot of us when a big hole has opened up in our life – when things collapsed. And it may be that God is wanting you to look beyond that big hole to see the undiscovered beauty that’s underneath it.'” … How does/can this happen… be this way?!?! Something Betsy ten Boom said to Corrie (while in prison camp) comes to mind, and explains it, I think; she said: “There is no pit so deep that Jesus is not deeper still.” So the pit is not only deep; it is filled with the presence of Jesus. And since, when we are in a pit, we aren’t seeing a lot of things that we do up on the surface, we can see much more around us down there ~ with the light-filled presence of the Lord illuminating the “depths” with His very presence.
I haven’t been through this kind of pain, but I have been through some extremely painful times in my marriage ~ infidelity, separated for 6 months ~ where it was so painful that it was often hard just to breathe; I often had to force myself. But it was during that season of my life that I experienced the Lord in ways I hadn’t before ~ or since. His COMFORT… His LEADING of me… His breathing LIFE into me (literally)… His tender, I-could-feel-it-deeply CARE of me… So be it for you, too!!!!!!
Here’s a short article I wrote back during that time: http://www.homeschooloasis.com/art_hem_of_garment.htm (It would actually have been a blog posting, but blogs weren’t invented back then!)
Big hug,
Barb Shelton
Thank you Barb for these encouraging words and your insight. I will read the article and I am sure it will bring comfort. Hugs