who I am

The risen Jesus said to Thomas, “Put your hands into my wounds, and you will know who I am.” His wounds were part of him now, part of his history. His wounds now a part of His identity.

I feel that way. I feel as if my wounds are visible, tangible, palpable. But I see something else in this passage. Thomas was talking to a risen Christ. He had conquered the grave, conquered death.

To believe in Christ’s death and resurrection is also to believe that I can rise up now from my dark grave of this suffering love. Suffering love should increase my sympathy for the world’s wounds, enlarge my anguish for the lost. Suffering love should expand my love for those around me, and those I come in contact with. Suffering love should increase my gratefulness for the good I see and the ability to see it. Suffering love should deepen my insight and strengthen my commitment to what is truly important. Suffering love should increase my anticipation for a New Heaven and a New Earth, where all things are new, and set right, and as they should be, for eternity.

If suffering love dampens my passion, diminishes my faith, weakens my hope; if nothing good comes from Grant’s death, then death has won. The grave will have had victory.

So I will struggle to live with the reality of both Christ’s death and resurrection, and the ramifications that should have on the life I have left here. I will fight to live the kind of life Christ’s resurrection won for me. In my living this kind of life, Grant’s dying will not be the last word. But as I rise up, I am freshly aware today that I bear the wounds of his death. My rising, my living, does not remove them, never will. They mark me now, they are a part of my history, my identity. If you want to know who I am, “put your hand in.”

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11 Responses to who I am

  1. Judi Schleiden says:

    Alisa, God is doing a mighty work in you! I keep going back to Ann Voskamp’s posting – “Every flood of trouble remakes the landscape of your soul—making you bitter or better.” I know for myself that four years ago when a huge testing in our family arose I thought I’d never get through it. Praise God, His mercies are new every morning. Things are not the way I would have liked them to be but because of God, they are better and my walk with the Lord has grown tremendously. It’s never what we would choose but God always provides the way for us. Are we going to be bitter or better? We continue to hold each of your family members up in daily prayer…..sometime even more often! Love you sweet lady!

  2. Marie says:

    The loss of a child forever changes you and unless you have walked in our shoes you don’t understand the path we will forever travel. Our hope is in Jesus and His return.

  3. Kendra says:

    I found your blog through Facebook. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s the worst thing for someone to have to go through. What a sweet, sweet mother you are. I will continue to pray for you & your family!

  4. Giovanna says:

    I am amazed at every post. I understand that this is just a small moment in time of some endless days, but I am learning so much from you. Oddly I’m sure we pass people on the street each day and never know the pain and suffering. I feel blessed to know your journey and watch God’s love work through you.

    • Alisa says:

      Awww…thank you Giovanna. Your support, encouragement, and prayers thru this has been amazing. I am so so grateful. And you are right, these posts represent a moment in time on the day they were written. There are days I have trouble applying the truth of what’s written for more than an hour :/ But God is sustaining me while He walks me thur this valley, moment by moment. Hugs to you friend.

  5. Joyce Milner says:

    Lis- your writings on this blog are beautiful and demonstrate what a wonderful person and mother you are. I’m thinking of you every day during this terrible time of grief. I certainly know what it is to have a broken heart over the death of someone you love. I believe you are right- God is with you and you can lean on him – your faith will pull you through. Love you, Joyce

    • Alisa says:

      I love you Joyce, and I know you are no stranger to losing a loved one. Thank you for these encouraging words. They mean so much. Hugs

  6. Jennifer Goetz says:

    Whoa, Alisa, beautifully written.

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