on the edge

Only one thought away. Only one memory away. I live now on the verge, the edge; the verge of tears, on the edge of emotion. If you were to watch me walk through my day and interact with others, you may not even notice I am a woman leaving on the edge.  I am learning to make my way through life, the new normal. Everyday takes courage to live, but everyday there are reasons for joy and gratefulness and I look for those and try to celebrate those daily.

But at the same time I live on the edge, the verge of tears. It is concealed as I go about my day, but it’s never gone completely. I can be doing something or having a conversation with no tears in sight. And then it happens. I remember something that happened or I think of something that will never be, and the tears are there without warning and in an instant. Will it always be like this? Is this the life of a bereaved parent? Learning to live around the gap while balancing on the  edge of it without falling in?

Or as time moves forward, as my time here grows shorter and reunion grows closer, will I be able to dance around the edge with the joy of anticipation? I long to dance Lord, give me the faith to dance around the edge of the gap with the time I have left here. Grieving with hope…

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2 Responses to on the edge

  1. Nikki says:

    Alisa,
    I know the pain is vastly different but I lost my dad 3 months ago and I feel this exact same way. I cry at the drop of a hat, frequently, and somedays I question my sanity. Sometimes my breath is literally taken away and I can barely physically stand. I exist in two realities it seems. One with everyone else in the real world, doing life and one in my own little world of overwhelming sadness. I find myself reliving every memory of him through this new filter of him being gone. It is coloring everything I thought I knew. I think it may take the rest of my life to process. I’m so sorry it’s so hard for you. I really am. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be working through this after losing a child. I know He is doing something, I just can’t see it quite yet.

    • Alisa says:

      Nikki,

      I am so sorry for your loss. And your words and what your are experiencing, resonate with every fiber of my being. Know that I am praying for you. Thank you for taking the time to write me and encourage me. It means so very much. Hugs

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