grieving with hope

Colton, Grant’s younger brother, wrote this as his status on FB a few weeks back.  It touched Glenn and I in the deepest parts of our heart and soul.  Unless you know Colton, it may not touch you in the same way.  But for those of you that do, I share it here.  Pray for Colton, pray for all of us.  grieving with hope…

 “Sleepless nights, opponent-less fights. mind racing, but sanity’s chasing. So with emotion bottled, and aggression throttled, I’ll earn a legacy like the one you have modeled.”

It sat on my lap, cold, hard, lifeless, unaware of the pain it caused. It hadn’t been turned on in months. I rubbed my hands across its smooth top, imagining his hands in the same place.  I could barely breathe. Looking for finger prints, signs of his life here. I can do this.  He would want me to do this.  It held secrets of his life here on Earth…things he hadn’t shared with others.  I knew that.  I opened it and started the task of going through his laptop.  It was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life.  But there were also moments of joy that revealed themselves and settled in next to the pain.

In an obscure folder, in the Library on Grant’s computer.  I found these; a poem he had written and these pictures along with his penned words.  I have know idea when Grant wrote this, nor why.  And I do not know where these pictures came from, or who took them.  But I know this…this simple illustrated poem could not mean more to this mom than it does as it is evidence of Grant’s understanding of this temporal world we live in…and it shows the love he had for the world in which he now lives eternally. It was like finding buried treasure!

Decay, poverty, brokeness,

The world blindly clings.

But this is not our home,

Long for what eternity brings.

I am thankful that we had 8885 days together. Thank you Jesus

I am thankful we have endless days yet to come. Thank you Jesus

I am thankful we will have more days together than we ever spend apart. Thank you Jesus

One of the hardest things about mourning, grieving, is the relentless way life moves forward all around you.  You find yourself struggling to breathe, forcing yourself to smile and get up in the morning while “normal” life, normal living swirls all around you.  You are forced to participate when all you really want to do is hide from it, pretend it isn’t happening, because it is all such a stark, painful reminder of your “new normal.”

“I surrender all,  I surrender all, Oh to thee my precious Savior, I surrender all.” And so the old Hymn goes…

Do I though? Do I surrender? Do I have a choice? God is sovereign. All powerful. Regardless whether or not I surrender, God’s will is accomplished. So is it truly surrender when it feels like it was taken? Stolen from me without my consent?  How is that surrender?

I believe that surrender is a posture of my heart. Do I truly believe that all of life is all for Jesus. I do; that is surrender. Do I hold life, and loved ones in open hands, versus a vice grip? I do; that is surrender. Do I believe that God knows best even when I cannot see it? I do; that is surrender.

Lord, help my heart to be postured towards you in surrender, when I don’t know what to do, when I don’t know what to say, when I don’t know where to go, and I don’t know what to think.

I leave you with this song today.  I will listen to it all day today.  May the truth of its lyrics be reflected in my life…

“When I Don’t Know What To Do” by Tommy Walker

Chorus: When I don’t know what to do, I’ll lift my hands. WHen I don’t know what to say, I’ll speak your praise. When I don’t know where to go, I’ll run to your throne. When I don’t know what to think, I’ll stand on Your truth. When I don’t know what to do.

Verse 1: Lord, I surrender all, to your strong and faithful hand. In everything I will give thanks to You. I’ll trust Your perfect plan.

Verse 2: Lord, I surrender all, though I’ll never understand, all the mysteries around me. I’ll trust Your perfect plan.

Bridge: As I bow my knee, send Your perfect peace. Send Your perfect peace, Lord, as I lift my hands. Let Your healing come, let Your healing come to me.

The cost. Oh the cost! It’s too great, Lord. To trust you with this!  It comes at such a high  cost. Continuing to worship your name, is so costly.  Choosing to praise you and believe in your infinite wisdom, it has cost me more than I could have ever imagined.

But I only need count the cost of not following you for a moment, and I know that cost is much greater.  No opportunity to glorify You, no meaning in this life, no eternal life waiting; that is a cost I cannot bear!

The cost of loving You, following You, Jesus, has cost me more than I thought I could give. But regardless of that cost, it is infinitely less than it would cost not to follow.  So I follow today, regardless of what it costs me.

Enjoy the little things in life, because someday you may look back and realize the little things were actually big things.

6 months today // grieving with hope

The book of Job.  It seems that when people are suffering it is the “go-to” book.  Job was a sufferer, and it is so helpful to my soul to see the ways in which he responded to that great suffering. So, I found myself in the book of Job again this morning when this verse jumped off of the page.

 Job 8:13-15 Such are the paths of all who forget God; the hope of the godless shall perish.  His confidence is severed, and his trust is a spider’s web.  He leans against his house, but it does not stand; he lays hold of it, but it does not endure.

Where am I putting my confidence thru this suffering in my life?  As I honestly evaluate my life these last 6 months, it is evident that many times during the day my confidence and hope are in my ability to get thru this, my strength to endure, or my wisdom to understand why this happened.  I place my confidence in things other than God.

As I look back on my life, it is obvious to me now that there were times I even placed my confidence in false theology such as; bad things don’t happen to good people.  I am a good person and I love God, so God will only give me blessings.  Because God loves me, everything will turn out the way I want it to. But it hasn’t.  I had put my hope and confidence in other things, they were not fixed on God alone, and they certainly were not based in truth.

This verse in Job reveals the serious problem with putting my confidence in things other than God, His word, His promises.  When my hope is waning and I lean on things other than the Lord, those things will give way as if I had leaned on a spider’s house.  My web, my refuge of misplaced confidences, will be swept away in the first strong wind, leaving me dangling without a fortress or refuge. Depending on anything other than God will not endure the test of this trial, this suffering.

So as a spider sits in the center of her web I must seek to place God in the center of my world, my pain, my suffering. I must place my hope and confidence in God alone, and in His promises, because it is the only thing I can lean upon that will not give way thru this suffering and it is the only thing that makes it possible to grieve with hope…

While out running errands this week, I realized I have become a liar. I found myself answering a question that was asked, gave my answer, walked away and thought to myself, “That was a lie. When did I become a liar?” As I thought back over the last several weeks, I realized I was lying almost everyday. I’m not even quite sure when the lying started.

You see, I am not usually dishonest, for any reason. In the past, I wouldn’t even lie when someone wanted me to, “Mom is this going to hurt?”

And I would quickly reply, “Yes, yes it’s going to hurt a lot.  I’m not gonna lie.”

“Mom, do you think it’s broken?”

Looking into tearful eyes I respond’ “Yeah, I am fairly certain your arm is broken and they’re going to have to set it. Sorry, I wish I could lie and tell you it will be fine, but I will never lie to you.”

“How does this outfit look?”

“Well it’s not my favorite. You have things that look much better,” I say, as she rolls her eyes and walks away saying, “I knew you were going to say that.”

She knew I was going to say that because I have always promised my kids I would never lie to them, even if telling them the truth would hurt. So when and how did I go from that person to the person I am today, who lies almost daily?

“How are you today?” the Costco attendant asks.

“I’m good, thanks,” I tell her.  I lie.

The cashier greets me, “Hello, how’s your day going?”

“I’m good, thanks,” I answer.  Again, I lie.  And so it goes, daily.  The questions are asked, and I lie, over and over and over.  I have become a liar.

Or have I? I am sad, profoundly sad.  My heart still aches and is heavy most of the time.  But my soul…it is well with my soul…”I’m good, thanks.”  How is my day?  Well, God is the source of human joy, not my circumstances…so, “I’m good, thanks.” And how is my day going…right now, God allows good and bad things to happen. But someday, He will remove ALL bad, not today, but someday. And so I can respond honestly, without lying, “I’m good, thanks.”

It’s a hard thing to trust someone when you do not understand what they are doing.  If you lack the comprehension, the reasons behind their actions, on what do we place the trust? When there seems to be no good reason, how do we trust the goodness of the one calling the shots? Obviously, I am speaking about God and me here, and my choosing, struggling, and wrestling with trusting Him when I just do not understand.

My view of God’s character is challenged every time I find myself slumped on the kitchen floor bawling out loud.  The reality of God’s goodness is brought into question every time I find one of my other children crying and missing their big brother so much they are unable to even express it verbally.  I am tempted to negate God’s wisdom every time I see that painful, empty, far away look in my precious husband’s eyes.

I will come to wrong conclusions about God, however, if I seek to build my trust of His goodness and wisdom, by looking only at this situation.  If I do not have an understanding of why I trust God, apart from Grant’s death, then I will need to always know exactly what God is doing in order to trust him.  It is critical that I know why I trust the Lord in situations I do not comprehend His goodness and wisdom.

Os Guinness says this, “ How may I be sure that God is there and that God is good? The only satisfactory answer to these questions is found in Jesus Christ.  Any “proof” of God’s existence or argument in favor of His goodness that ends elsewhere is bound to be inconclusive or wrong.”

The test of suffering reveals whether or not “knowing why” is a necessary part of our faith equation.  If we must know the why of a situation in order to trust God, what does that reveal about our faith? I don’t know ‘why’ Grant had to leave this Earth at such a young age, probably never will.  But I know the one who does know why, and I know why I trust Him.  And I know I cannot look to Grant’s death to determine whether or not God is trustworthy, loving, good.

My doubts about God the Father are silenced in the Lord Jesus Christ, His son. I must look to the cross to see that God is for me.  His love for me cost Him His son, when Christ gave His life in an all-sufficient atoning sacrifice at Calvary. I must look to Jesus, and what was done for me with His life, death, and resurrection to have an unshakable trust in unimaginable pain. I have trusted Him with my life, my soul, my eternity. Yes, this is where I must keep my gaze; I must know why I trust God, or it will be impossible to trust Him when I do not know why.